A couple of years ago, we (the adults at Anastasis Academy) noticed that many of our young students were fully aware of what bullying looks like and could define how NOT to be a bully.

If you’ve been in education for a decade or longer, you are keenly aware of the deluge of anti-bullying messages students receive on any given school day.

This made us think about how often messages to kids contain the negative expression of a desired behavior…

• Don’t be a bully.
• Avoid name-calling. (verbal bullying)
• Don’t push/shove/hit. (physical bullying)
• Don’t exclude/ignore other students. (social bullying)
• Don’t use bullying tactics online. (online bullying)

There are multiple curriculum resources that go into all the things students should do to avoid being a bully. While some of them include some positively expressed behaviors (things you should DO), most of the resources and posters focus on behaviors to avoid. Almost every commercial poster you can buy for schools includes the word “bully” or “bullying” with a big, red slash. 

And as I mentioned, our students were pretty well-versed in “anti-bullying” messaging, and they could easily rattle off all the things they weren’t supposed to do.

What they didn’t always understand, at first, was that bullying often happens quietly… and with all the focus on how not to BE a bully, they didn’t always get the message about how to recognize what bullying can look like when it’s happening to someone else, and what you should DO if you witness someone else bullying. (Some anti-bullying curriculum resources address this, but I would say the focus is heavily weighed on individual accountability.)

So, we have a lot of students who have gone through anti-bullying education who know that they shouldn’t BE a bully, but we may have created a new sub-type of the bystander effect¹ inadvertently instead.

Most traditional anti-bullying campaigns place so much emphasis on how NOT to be a bully, that they often overlook the much more important act of standing up for those who are victims of bullies, intervening where possible, and finding positive behaviors to emphasize– changing bystanders into UP-STANDERS.²

DOs vs. DON’Ts

It’s interesting to me how often we, societally speaking, focus on the behaviors we don’t want to see, and how little effort is expended on explicitly stating what we DO want to see.

For kids, modeling and providing time to practice is how we see effective changes in behavior; but we have also learned that our brains can’t envision the negative of something. If I were to tell you, “do not think about ice cream,” your brain would only be thinking about ice cream, whether through a picture in your brain, seeing the words “ice cream,” or maybe hearing an internal voice repeating “icecreamicecreamicecream.” The brain can’t really picture the absence of an action or thing, so every time we give kids (or adults) a DON’T, we’re just reinforcing the idea of the thing itself.

We know that brains crave actionable items, especially for kids, because they aren’t always developmentally ready to automatically know what to DO as the opposite of what NOT TO DO.

(Try modeling NOT doing something versus modeling DOING something. It’s a fun exercise to try with kids, btw.)

That’s not to say you can never add rules that explicitly forbid something. That wouldn’t be realistic, and there’s also the potential of too much gray area around a behavior we definitely want to restrict… but if you’re going to list behaviors and actions that are against the rules, you need to spend more energy in listing out the desired behaviors.

Without the desired behavior– “if you see THIS happening, then you should do xyz“– the human condition is more likely to freeze and/or mind one’s business, especially if there are others around who also haven’t practiced what to do. When no one is doing the thing to help, we are likely to see the bystander effect overtake our sense of right and wrong.

As we worked with kids to create better rules– those that explain which behaviors we should expect instead– the result was the Anastasis Code³. As a community, we intentionally chose to emphasize the behaviors we wanted to see in ourselves, rather than spending so much energy on what NOT to do. The kids began using the language in their own interactions, and we saw them holding themselves and others accountable to what they had helped design.

As the kids grew into becoming Up-Standers instead of bystanders, we noticed how our little community grew to be more supportive of each other… and to care enough about each other to take care of each other.

So, how might we modify the bystander effect?

By explicitly identifying and then modeling and practicing a desired behavior, we found that our students were more likely to step in and step up when the occasion arose. Some of our staff were familiar with The Upstander Project and proposed we adopt that language.

Our students were asked what Up-Standers would do.

• Up-Standers learn how to identify a problem.
• Up-Standers learn how to speak up and stand up for others.
• Up-Standers learn how to determine when there’s an unsafe situation and get help– this one is very important for kids to understand–that they don’t have to battle a bully or put themselves or others in harm’s way.

Why I’m Writing About This Today

In the last few weeks, I’ve watched so many adults choosing to be Up-Standers… standing up for the people who need help, whose voices have been silenced… even as they were targeted, assaulted, tear-gassed, and even murdered.

Neighbors standing up for neighbors.

Strangers defending strangers.

Humans fighting for basic human rights and dignity.

The best of humanity choosing to be upstanding. This is who we are supposed to be for each other.

I’ve also read official releases from our government offices that sound more like the bullies in the anti-bullying videos and literature we’ve poured into kids… and I’ve listened to other adults (who should know better) actually side with the bullies.

I’ve watched as people with Christian crosses and Bible verses in their profiles turn around and spew the most hateful, repulsive rhetoric about immigrants and people of color. Funny how those pesky lessons from the one they claim to follow are completely ignored.

⁴⁰  whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ (Matthew 25, NIV)

I do not care who people claim to be when their actions show them to be the worst among us.

THESE ARE THE BULLIES WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IDENTIFYING AND STANDING UP TO ALL ALONG.

It is long past time for us to all be Up-Standers in whatever way we can.

Being an Up-Stander right now will look different from person to person, and that’s okay. I’m listing some ways below to help, because, as I mentioned earlier in my post, sometimes we freeze when we don’t know what we can do. (Times are tough, and I know many of you will have to choose what works for you and your level of acceptable risk.)

• Follow organizers on social media– these good people have been doing the work and always have great resources for what you can do, state by state and city by city.
• Donate to mutual aid. (For Minnesota, you can find organizations here. Other states have similar options.)
• Attend a protest in whatever way you can.
  • Make a Zine to share with others to share important information like knowing your rights.
• If you’re physically able, volunteer to patrol your neighborhoods, schools, or other community centers.
• Check in with your neighbors to see if they need help… or just a friend.
• Do you know someone at risk? Ask if you can help by running errands for them.
• Talk with your family and friends about what you’re seeing… you have more influence than you think. And even if you are unable to change anyone’s outlook, you will have done something to side with what is right.
• Amplify what’s happening. Flood the socials with the idea that NONE OF THIS IS OKAY.
• HOUND YOUR REPRESENTATIVES. If we take a defeatist attitude about who represents us and HOW they represent us, nothing will ever change. Some of them are acting, but some are taking the “wait and see” approach regarding public response. Your call, letter, or email really does make a difference. 
  • If your representatives have been fighting back, be sure to let them know you support them. This matters, too!
  • Don’t know how to get in touch with your representatives? –> https://www.congress.gov/members/find-your-member

I’ve never been the “rah-rah” American, but I do know the most humanitarian thing we can do is to stand up for each other.  Thanks for taking the time to read today.

p.s. I’m turning off comments for this post, because the trolls are out in force, and I don’t feed trolls.

¹ The term bystander effect was coined after social psychologists John M. Darley and Bibb Latané observed over and over, “in social situations, there is a diffusion of responsibility. If a bystander sees that other witnesses are doing nothing, then he or she will also do nothing” (From Anatomy of Malice by Joel E. Dimsdale, published by Yale University Press in 2016)

² I hyphenated “Up-Stander” in this post for the purpose of differentiating from “BY-stander” more clearly.

3 The basics of the Anastasis Code:

• We take care of each other.
• If someone needs help, we give it. If we need help, we ask.
• It’s all a gift!
• There’s glory in making a mistake.
• Make the kind assumption. (for example, when someone behaves poorly, we give them the benefit of the doubt.)
• No skunking! (skunks spray negative energy–don’t be a skunk.)
• Respect each other. (the kids agreed this was an “umbrella” item– and many, many things fall under this topic. We had such great discussions about what “respecting others” looks like!)
• BE AN UP-STANDER!